Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Lilian! I’m Noel B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let’s get started!

*Writing Strength:

Your introduction shows the main idea of the article. Let’s take a look at your first sentence:

Learning to be gendered by Penelope Eckert and Sally McConnell-Ginet disputes the theory that children distinctly fall into their gender roles as a result of the innate behaviors and also biological reasons.

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Since you show Eckert and McConnell-Ginet’s main argument, your readers can be more prepared for your discussion. Good job!

*Lilian 9536335 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis: 

You can improve your thesis statement by revising it so that it provides a clear answer to your prompt. Let’s take a look at your current thesis statement:

Paragraph 3  analyses society has controlled to the point that it is either to a performance or an act.

This thesis statement shows the authors’ assertion in paragraph 3, but it doesn’t explain how gender is a kind of performance. Since you don’t clearly show how gender can be seen as an act, your readers may not be prepared for your discussion.

To ensure that your readers are prepared for the discussion in your body paragraphs, it’s best to develop a clear thesis statement. For your essay, an effective thesis statement can show the ways in which gender can be seen as a performance or an act as stated by the article. Here is a model that can help you develop your thesis statement:

As stated in “Learning to be Gendered,” gender can be seen as a kind of performance or an act in the sense that ____, ____, and ____ [←how gender can be seen as an act].

This model shows one way of developing a clear thesis statement for your essay. By filling in the blanks and placing this at the end of your introduction, you can lead your readers towards the discussion in your body paragraphs.

However, take note that this example is just one way of developing a thesis statement for your essay. To ensure that your essay clearly follows the instructions of your assignment, it’s best if you consult with your instructor to find out the exact details that your thesis statement may need to show. And if you need further lessons on how to write a thesis statement, the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook has a lesson on developing a thesis. Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

*Lilian 9536335 has requested that you respond to the Content Development: 

Some of your topic sentences don’t accurately reflect the main idea of your essay. Let’s take a look at the first sentence of your fourth paragraph:

Social interaction is also affected by gender.

This sentence states that social interaction is affected by gender. However, it doesn’t clearly show how the effect of gender on social interaction supports the idea that gender is an act. Since your topic sentence doesn’t clearly reflect your main idea, your readers may not be prepared for the discussion in your paragraph.

Topic sentences have two functions: to state the main idea of the paragraph and to connect that main idea with the main idea of your paper. Thus, it’s best if you revise the topic sentence of your fourth paragraph.

Here are some guide questions that can help you revise your topic sentence: How does the performance of gender affect social interaction? Given this effect of gender on social interaction, can gender be said to be a kind of act or not?

Organization

Next, you can improve your essay by ensuring that your quotations and borrowed information are more effectively integrated into your discussion. Let’s take a look at the last sentence of your third paragraph:

Subsequently, boys lengthen their vocal tract and extend their lips (Eckert &McConnel-Ginet 741

This sentence shows the development of boys’ speech, but it doesn’t work as a closing sentence because it contains information borrowed from another source. Since you end your paragraph with borrowed information, you don’t have the chance to explain how it is related to your essay. Hence, your readers may not understand why you added it into the paragraph.

You can ensure that you can explain the purpose of all of your borrowed information by reorganizing your paragraphs to follow the arrangement known as PIE: point out, illustrate, explain. To see how this arrangement works, take a look at the following sentences:

Point out a main idea in your own words: In this sentence, you explain that boys’ way of speaking begin to differ from that of girls at an early age.

Illustrate the idea with an example: Subsequently, boys lengthen their vocal tract and extend their lips (Eckert &McConnel-Ginet 741

Explain the example with reference to your topic and main idea: In this sentence, you explain how this way of speaking makes boys different from girls.

If your sentences are organized in the PIE pattern, you can ensure that your quotes are well-explained. You may need to repeat this arrangement several times in the paragraph to fully explain your main idea. Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

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Summary of Next Steps:

  • Develop a clear thesis statement.
  • Develop effective topic sentences.
  • Ensure that your paragraphs follow the PIE pattern.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Lilian. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! –Noel B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.

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